It’s an incontrovertible fact that we, as individuals, each have an intrinsic nature unlike that of any other being in existence. Our makeup is singular, established at the moment of conception and evolved during gestation and birth.
We thus have what we may call an essence—a pure, unadulterated being that is ours alone.
This is the core of who we are. This is our foundation. This is our wholeness.
And then life happens. Uncomfortable, painful, and traumatic things take place. Often, we are made to feel shame—a pained guilt that we are not okay as we are.
Not yet mature enough to know how to deal with these situations, and often lacking a caretaker who can help us navigate them correctly, we instead begin to cover ourselves (the root of the word “shame” is to cover)—to build our defenses. We layer on piece after piece of emotional armor to protect us from further discomfort. These defenses show up as patterned responses to what’s happening around us; patterns that are so habitual and predictable we call them “personality.”
But are they really you? Or are they merely the ways you’ve gotten used to acting to feel like you may be able to function in society without further harm coming to you?
Essential to understanding yourself, your purpose, and your dreams is understanding your unique essence. And doing that requires peeling back the layers of detritus that have accumulated over the years, not only protecting you from vulnerability and intimacy but also hindering self-actualization.
In Undefended Love, a book about uncovering your true self, the authors suggest a conscious approach to re-becoming you: stop, look, and listen.
To begin, we must stop repeating our typical reactions to events—those habitual responses we've grown used to. Instead, we must pause, take a moment, and even try to do the opposite of what we would have done—saying “yes!” instead of “nah,” for instance. (Turns out George was right.)
Then, we must look—dig deeper within and run towards the pain and discomfort. The goal, of course, is not to suffer further, but rather to sit with the discomfort until it dissipates. To find, as Thich Hnat Hanh advocates, our wounded inner child, and give them a big, secure, reassuring hug to help them better handle the negative feelings.
And finally, we must listen—to quietly feel through and hear what that healthy inner child truly wants, needs, feels, and desires. Then, we can embody that essence, and show up as our honest, authentic selves as we navigate this world.
In so doing, you truly become yourself. And a world full of people acting as their true, miraculous selves is one that’s alight with a soulful magic we cannot yet fathom.
So go on. Turn inward, find that kid within, look at them squarely in the eyes, and tell them just how much you love them today.
“Do not resent, do not react, keep inner stillness.”